And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
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