No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
