woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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