3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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