I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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