so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
