I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
