Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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