so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
