Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
