My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
