omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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