I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
