so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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