sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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