and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
