The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
