so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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