I just gift wrapped bread.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
