i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
