my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
