I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
