Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
