shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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