I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
