She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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