Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
