How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
