I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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