My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
