So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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