I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
