I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
