Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
