Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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