Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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