You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
