Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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