If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
