Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
