I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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