I just pynch a tree in the face
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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