once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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