I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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