I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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