The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
