***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
