why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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