I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
