I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
